Should I Tell My Ex How I Feel? A Guide to Post-Breakup Communication

Reading time: 8 minutes

Understanding the Urge to Reach Out

That moment arrives for almost everyone after a breakup – the overwhelming urge to text, call, or somehow let your ex know exactly how you’re feeling. Whether it’s longing, anger, confusion, or even a mixture of all three, the desire to express yourself can feel almost impossible to ignore.

According to relationship psychologist Dr. Marissa Cohen, “The impulse to reach out to an ex is rooted in our natural resistance to unresolved emotions. Humans are storytelling creatures – we crave narrative closure, especially in relationships that once held significant meaning.”

Before you draft that message, it’s worth understanding what’s truly driving your desire to communicate:

• Unprocessed grief: The relationship ended, but your emotional connection hasn’t caught up
• Hope for reconciliation: Part of you believes sharing your feelings might rekindle the relationship
• Seeking closure: You have unanswered questions or unresolved issues
• Validation seeking: You want confirmation that your feelings mattered/matter
• Habit: After sharing your life with someone, the instinct to continue communicating doesn’t immediately disappear

Research from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that approximately 62% of people attempt to contact an ex within the first month after a breakup. This statistic doesn’t mean you should or shouldn’t reach out – it simply confirms you’re not alone in feeling this pull.

When It Might Be Worth Telling Your Ex How You Feel

There are legitimate scenarios where expressing your feelings to an ex can be constructive. The key is honestly assessing your situation, motivations, and what realistic outcomes might look like.

When You Have Genuine Closure to Offer

If you ended the relationship and left your ex with unanswered questions, providing thoughtful closure can be an act of compassion. Communications coach Jamie Richards explains: “Sometimes we end relationships in ways that prioritize our own emotional comfort over clarity. If you’ve gained perspective and can now offer genuine answers that might help your ex process the breakup, that communication can be healing for both parties.”

However, this only applies if:

• You can communicate without reopening wounds
• Your intention is to provide clarity, not seek validation
• You’re prepared to respect their boundaries if they don’t want to hear from you

When Significant Time Has Passed

Time creates emotional distance that can enable healthier communication. If months or years have passed since your breakup, and you’ve both had space to process the relationship independently, reaching out poses fewer risks.

Relationship therapist Dr. Alicia Martinez notes that “After approximately six months, most people have moved through the acute phases of breakup grief. This doesn’t mean complete healing, but enough emotional regulation to engage more objectively.”

Evidence of sufficient time having passed includes:

• You’ve established a fulfilling life independent of your ex
• You can recall positive and negative aspects of the relationship with balanced perspective
• Your emotional response when thinking about them has significantly decreased in intensity
• You’ve gained meaningful insights about yourself and the relationship

When There’s Mutual Interest in Healthy Communication

If you’ve had brief, respectful interactions that indicate mutual comfort with communication, expressing deeper feelings might be appropriate. This is especially true if both of you have:

• Established appropriate boundaries
• Demonstrated emotional maturity in post-breakup interactions
• Communicated without manipulation or game-playing
• Shown respect for each other’s healing process

When You Should Keep Your Feelings to Yourself

While honesty is generally valuable, there are definite scenarios where expressing your feelings to an ex is more likely to cause harm than healing.

When You’re Still in the Raw Emotional Stage

The initial weeks after a breakup are emotionally volatile. During this period, your nervous system is essentially in a state of withdrawal from the neurochemical cocktail of love and attachment. Relationship expert Dr. Gary Wilson explains: “The brain processes romantic rejection similar to physical pain, activating many of the same neural pathways. During this hyperemotional state, communication is rarely productive and often regrettable.”

Signs you’re still in this acute phase include:

• Dramatic mood fluctuations throughout the day
• Obsessive thoughts about the relationship and breakup
• Physical symptoms like sleep disruption, appetite changes, or anxiety
• Difficulty concentrating on daily tasks
• The urge to contact them feels desperate or panic-driven

When They’ve Explicitly Requested Space

If your ex has clearly communicated a need for no contact, respecting this boundary is non-negotiable. Disregarding their explicit request demonstrates:

• You prioritize your emotional needs over their clearly stated boundaries
• You’re not truly listening to or respecting their wishes
• You may not have grown from patterns that contributed to the relationship’s end

Relationship counselor Maya Henderson emphasizes: “The single most important indicator of emotional growth after a breakup is the ability to respect boundaries, even when they’re uncomfortable for us. It’s not just about this relationship – it’s about developing healthy relationship patterns for life.”

How to Communicate Effectively If You Decide to Reach Out

If after careful consideration you determine that reaching out is appropriate, how you communicate matters tremendously. The right approach can foster healing; the wrong approach can reopen wounds.

Preparation Before Contact

Before sending any message:

1. Write it out first: Draft what you want to say without immediately sending it
2. Sleep on it: Review your message after at least 24 hours
3. Check your expectations: Be honest about what response (if any) you’re hoping for
4. Prepare for all outcomes: How will you feel if they don’t respond? If they respond negatively?
5. Have support ready: Arrange to talk with a friend after you reach out

Constructive Communication Approaches

Effective post-breakup communication typically includes:

• Ownership language: “I feel” rather than “You made me feel”
• Recognition of their perspective: Acknowledge that they may see things differently
• No demands: Make clear you’re not expecting a specific response
• Brevity: Long manifestos are overwhelming and often counterproductive
• Clarity about intentions: Be honest about why you’re reaching out

Communication coach Elena Wu suggests this framework: “State your purpose for reaching out, express your feelings concisely using ‘I’ statements, acknowledge their right to their own perspective, and close with clarity about next steps or expectations.”

Real Stories: When Reaching Out Worked (And When It Didn’t)

When Communication Led to Healing

Mia’s Story: “Six months after our breakup, I reached out to my ex-boyfriend of three years. We’d ended things abruptly when he took a job overseas. In the message, I thanked him for specific ways he’d helped me grow, acknowledged my part in our communication problems, and wished him well in his new life. I made it clear I wasn’t looking to restart the relationship.

His response surprised me – he shared similar reflections and appreciation. We exchanged a few messages that gave us both closure we hadn’t realized we needed. We don’t keep in regular contact, but that exchange helped me move forward without the lingering ‘what-ifs’ that had been holding me back. The key was timing – we both had enough distance to see the relationship clearly.”

When Communication Caused Setbacks

Jason’s Story: “Three weeks after my girlfriend ended our relationship, I couldn’t stand the silence. I sent her a long email pouring out my feelings, explaining how much I missed her and suggesting ways we could make it work if she gave us another chance.

She responded kindly but firmly that her decision was final. Instead of accepting this, I saw her response as an opening to continue the conversation. Over the next month, I sent several more messages with new revelations or perspectives, each time believing this would be the communication that changed her mind.

Eventually, she blocked me on all platforms. It was humiliating and pushed me into a deeper depression than the original breakup. Looking back, I realize I wasn’t actually communicating – I was trying to convince and manipulate. If I’d given myself more time to process before reaching out, I might have preserved at least some mutual respect.”

Healing Alternatives to Contacting Your Ex

Often what we’re truly seeking isn’t actually contact with our ex, but relief from uncomfortable emotions. The following alternatives can provide emotional release without the potential complications of direct contact.

The Unsent Letter Technique

This therapeutic approach allows you to express everything you’re feeling without actually sending your thoughts to your ex.

1. Write a completely unfiltered letter expressing all your thoughts and feelings
2. Include everything you wish you could say – no judgment or editing
3. When finished, don’t review it immediately
4. Return to it after a day or two and read it objectively
5. Ceremonially dispose of it (safely burning it can be particularly cathartic)

Psychotherapist Dr. Jana Richards explains: “The unsent letter works because it activates the same neural pathways as actual communication, giving your brain the sensation of having expressed these thoughts. The ceremonial disposal represents letting go, which helps create psychological closure.”

Redirecting the Emotional Energy

The urge to contact an ex often peaks during emotionally heightened states. Having predetermined alternatives can help channel that energy more constructively:

• Physical release: Intensive exercise, dance, or even screaming into a pillow
• Creative expression: Art, music, writing that transforms the emotions into something tangible
• Positive connection: Reaching out to a supportive friend instead
• Mindfulness practices: Meditation or breathing exercises to ride out intense emotional waves

Relationship coach Thomas Chen advises: “Create a ‘contact urge emergency kit’ with 3-5 specific alternatives that work for you. When the urge hits, commit to trying at least two alternatives before reconsidering contact. This creates space between impulse and action.”

Your Emotional Compass: Navigating Forward

Whether you ultimately decide to express your feelings to your ex or process them privately, the most important outcome is your continued emotional growth and wellbeing. As we close this exploration, consider these final navigation points:

Trust Your Growth Process

• Honor where you are: There’s no universal timeline for healing from a breakup
• Recognize progress: Even if you still have feelings, note how your relationship with those feelings evolves
• Value your insights: The understanding you’re gaining will serve all your future relationships
• Trust your resilience: Breakups are painful but survivable – many before you have emerged stronger

Your Post-Breakup Communication Checklist

Before reaching out, ask yourself:

• ✓ Have I given myself adequate time to process the initial grief?
• ✓ Can I genuinely wish for my ex’s happiness, even if it doesn’t include me?
• ✓ Am I prepared for any response (or no response)?
• ✓ Is my intention to express rather than to extract something from them?
• ✓ Have I considered how this communication might impact their healing process?

Relationship researcher Dr. Emily Carter offers this perspective: “The most profound evidence of growth after a relationship isn’t in how we communicate with our ex, but in how we communicate with ourselves. The compassion, honesty and boundaries we develop internally will ultimately shape every relationship in our lives.”

Remember that in the digital age, we often mistake connection for communication. True healing comes not from notification alerts or message exchanges, but from the deeper work of processing, acceptance, and forward movement. Whatever you decide about contacting your ex, prioritize the relationship you’re rebuilding with yourself – it’s the one that will accompany you through every chapter ahead.

What communication choice feels most aligned with your authentic healing process right now? The answer to that question is your truest guide forward.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it ever a good idea to tell your ex you still love them?

Expressing lingering love for an ex should only be considered when: 1) significant time has passed, 2) you’ve developed perspective on why the relationship ended, 3) you can accept any response without it devastating you, and 4) you have no manipulative intent behind the disclosure. This expression is most appropriate when you’ve both maintained respectful, occasional contact and have demonstrated emotional maturity. Even then, manage expectations carefully – sharing these feelings should be about honest expression, not about securing a specific outcome.

How long should I wait before reaching out to an ex?

While there’s no universal timeframe, research suggests a minimum of 2-3 months of no contact allows for basic emotional regulation. More significant healing typically requires 6+ months. The appropriate waiting period depends on relationship length, intensity, circumstances of the breakup, and your personal healing process. Rather than focusing solely on time passed, assess your emotional state: Can you think about them without intense emotional reactions? Can you recognize both the positives and negatives of the relationship? Can you imagine them with someone else without it triggering significant distress? If you’re answering “no” to these questions, more healing time is likely needed.

What if I regret not telling my ex how I felt before the breakup?

Unexpressed feelings from during the relationship represent a different category of communication than post-breakup feelings. If you have significant regret about not expressing important thoughts or feelings during the relationship, consider whether sharing them now would provide genuine closure or simply reopen wounds. The most constructive approach is often to identify the pattern that prevented you from expressing these feelings when it mattered, work on developing that communication skill, and apply that growth to future relationships. If you still feel strongly that expressing these unshared feelings would provide meaningful closure for both parties, focus your communication specifically on taking responsibility for your part in the communication breakdown, rather than placing emotional expectations on your ex.